BY REKHA RADHAKRISHNAN*
When we left India, many of us carried a suitcase full of dreams and a heart full of hope. We came to the United States for better opportunities, safety, financial security, and a more comfortable life. But somewhere between airport goodbyes and professional hellos, many of us began to feel something else—something no one warned us about: loneliness.
At first glance, it may seem strange. After all, there’s no shortage of fellow Indians here. We have Diwali parties, WhatsApp groups, and neighborhood temples. So why do so many Desis still feel so deeply alone?
The Illusion of Community
The truth is, proximity doesn’t equal intimacy. We may be surrounded by people from our homeland, yet struggle to form deep bonds. Adult friendships don’t blossom the way they did in college dorms or during evening chai breaks with neighbors back home. Now we juggle jobs, parenting, chores, and commutes. Invitations must be planned weeks in advance, and even then, there’s no guarantee of connection or reciprocation.
Many of us find ourselves in rooms full of people—at community events or festive parties—but still feel unseen. The music is too loud, the conversations too shallow, the cliques too closed. And over time, despite dozens of familiar faces, we realize we don’t truly belong anywhere. We are known, but not known deeply.
The Neighborhood Disconnect
Suburban life in the U.S. can also be incredibly isolating. Unlike the bustling gallis of India where neighbors borrowed sugar, dropped in for chai unannounced, and shared life’s highs and lows, American neighborhoods often feel like rows of silent garages. Days, even months, pass without knowing what’s going on with the person next door. A wave from the driveway replaces conversations at the gate.
This isolation breeds nostalgia. We remember the warmth we left behind and wonder: Did we make a mistake?
But What About Going Back?
It’s tempting to idealize life in India, but even there, times have changed. Friends are busy, distances are worse, and everyone is tethered to their screens and virtual meetings. You might find yourself just as lonely in Mumbai as you are in Michigan. Even in India, people often meet up only when an “NRI friend” is visiting—and not without effort.
Workplaces too have changed. Where we once had coworkers who doubled as confidants, we now have Zoom fatigue, professional silos, and a culture of keeping things “strictly business.”
The Hidden Barrier: Jealousy and Guardedness
Another silent but powerful force that deepens this loneliness is competition and jealousy—yes, even within our own communities. Instead of cheering each other on, many feel pressured to compare—careers, children’s achievements, vacations, home sizes, and even party guest lists.
This culture of comparison breeds insecurity, and insecurity builds walls. People become guarded, hesitant to reveal their struggles, afraid of being judged. Vulnerability—which is the foundation of closeness—is replaced by performance. And so, even among people we see often, we remain distant.
We may smile, pose for selfies, and make polite small talk—but deep inside, we know the connection is paper-thin.
True friendships require emotional safety. And in a world that rewards image over authenticity, that safety becomes rare.
The Myth of Easy Integration
So why not blend in with the Americans around us?
That’s easier said than done. Friendships—especially cross-cultural ones—take time, shared values, and effort. And while some Desis do forge deep bonds with White, Black, Hispanic, or Asian Americans, it’s not the norm. People everywhere naturally gravitate toward what is familiar. It’s not discrimination—it’s human nature. But that makes the immigrant experience all the more isolating.
So, What Can We Do?
Is there any hope? The answer is yes—but it starts with a mindset shift.
1. Acknowledge the Blessings
Start by zooming out. Yes, we may feel lonely, but we also have stable jobs, clean streets, freedom, safety, and endless opportunities. Gratitude doesn’t erase pain—but it brings balance to our perspective.
2. Effort Over Expectation
Friendship in adulthood requires effort. If you’re waiting for someone to call, invite, or include—you may be waiting a long time. Be the initiator. Join temple committees, Desi cultural groups, volunteering circles, or alumni associations. Join even if it feels awkward at first. Connection takes time.
3. Find Interest-Based Communities
Seek out people who share your interests, not just your language. Join a local pickleball team, a hiking group, a book club, or a photography meetup. Explore sites like Meetup.com or Eventbrite for local events in your area. Companies have employee groups which help to bring employees together. These could be great avenues to find like-minded people at work and help build a network.
Even your local library might host free workshops, cultural nights, or reading groups. These gatherings often foster deeper, more meaningful interactions than large Desi parties.
4. Stop Looking for “Your Kind”
If you wait to meet people who are just like you, you may be waiting forever. Be open. Some of your best friends may come from backgrounds you never expected. Connection often forms not through similarity—but through shared sincerity.
5. Rediscover Solitude
Loneliness and aloneness are not the same. Use quiet time to reflect, read, create, meditate, and understand yourself better. Aloneness can become your sanctuary, not your sentence.
6. Beware the Social Media Trap
Don’t judge your life against someone else’s curated highlight reel. A thousand likes do not equal one real friendship. Many people project happiness while silently struggling with the same loneliness you feel. Be authentic, and seek authenticity in others.
7. Be the Friend You Wish You Had
Be the one who remembers birthdays, checks in during tough times, and shows up when it matters. Friendship is not a transaction. It’s a slow investment. Over time, those who value you will stay—and others will fall away.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone in Feeling Alone
You are not broken. You are not weak. You are simply human—navigating a complicated journey between two worlds. The pain of migration is real. But so is the possibility of building a life filled with belonging, meaning, and joy.
So if today feels heavy, know this: You are not the only one. Someone else, somewhere near you, is waiting for a real friend too.
Take the first step. Say hello. Stay open. Keep the faith.
And remember—this too shall pass.
May you live a connected, meaningful, and joy-filled life.
With love and belief in your journey,
– Rekha, A Coach Who’s Been There Too
*Rekha Radhakrishnan is a Certified Coach committed to helping individuals achieve their personal and professional success. With a passion for recognizing and elevating human potential, she is dedicated to making a meaningful and positive impact in the world
