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For many Indian-American
teenagers, growing up under the roof of conventional Indian
parents can become an experience like no other. The constant
struggle of preserving equilibrium by balancing deep-rooted Indian
traditions with practical American ideals gradually becomes more
difficult as Indian-American teenagers venture into an
ever-changing world.
As Indian-American teenagers, we can notice parallels
between our lives and those of our American peers just as easily
as we can notice contrast. In today’s age, this contrast is
sharpened when the issue of dating is approached. It is perhaps
the most polarizing concern amongst Indian-American families.
Parents and their children
choose differing paths when finding a solution to their dating
woes. Most parents argue that this practice violates Indian
ethics, while others allow their children to date with as much
liberty that is given to other American teens. Teenagers quickly
recognize their desire to live their lives as their American
counterparts, and, when it comes to dating, Indian-American teens
also desire the independence given to their peers.
Mrs. Sonia Gupta, an
accountant and mother of three, came to the United States during
her early teen years with her family. She spent her high school
years in New York and currently operates her accounting firm in
New York, as well. She recalls when she first approached her
parents to request permission for a date. “They were outraged
and shocked,” she explains. “I was always one of those
children who made Indian heritage a part of their lives. But I had
a sincere desire to associate with a typical American lifestyle as
well.” “After days of deliberation, I was finally allowed to
go to the movies with this boy from my class.” When
asked about how she allows her children to interact with American
culture and dating, she remarked, “I encourage my children to
date; however, I set curfews and limitations like other
responsible, concerned parents.” “I don’t want my children
to feel ostracized when they are among their peers; nevertheless,
I would be ashamed if they were unable not connect with their
Indian ethnicity.”
Malani Reddy, a sixteen
year-old high school student from Athens, GA, has had the ideal
opportunity to experience American culture and cultivate her
Indian ethnicity. At the age of five, her mother moved to the
United States with her family. After her father earned his medical
degree, the two natives of Hyderabad married in India and
established her father’s clinic in the United States. Malani,
apart from her involvement in extracurricular activities, playing
the piano and practicing tennis, also recalls her dating
experiences. “My parents used to be very defensive about me
dating because they thought I was too young.” “They told me
for a long time that I wouldn't be allowed to date until I got
into college; now my parents are tolerant of me dating (my dad is
still getting used to the idea, but he lets me date).
I think they changed opinions because I talked to them
about it until they saw my side, and like most other parents, they
still like to meet the guy.”
Malani accredits most of her
privileges to her mother’s upbringing. “Since my mom was
raised here, I think I have it a lot easier than most Indian kids
whose parents were both raised in India in terms of fitting in
better.” Malani also expresses the importance of associating
with one’s ethnicity while shaping one’s personality. Though
she leads a typical American lifestyle, she adopts certain facets
of Indian traditions and culture. “We still got to pujas
and the temple occasionally and celebrate some of the big Indian
holidays (like Diwali)
and my mom cooks up Indian food for most dinners.” Furthermore,
she expressed that considering Indian values in long-term
decisions, such as marriage, is imperative. “I want to marry an
Indian because, although I was born and raised here, I still have
some Indian ideals that I would like for my husband to share with
me.”
It’s
a relief for parents when they know their son or daughter is at
least dating someone of Indian origin. However, Rohit (who
requested his real name be withheld) faced a dilemma of a
different sort. After moving to the United States with his parents
during his teen years, Rohit lived in New York. Two years later,
his father’s job was transferred to a different location and the
family was forced to move to rural Tennessee. Rohit recalls, “It
was entirely a world apart from the New Yorker lifestyle to which
I had grown accustomed.” High school, too, was quite different;
however, Rohit adapted yet again to his new environment and
quickly made friends. During his junior year, he remembers being
invited to the prom by one of his friends. “I was confused. I
didn’t know how to be kind to her [my friend] and explain the
situation to my parents.” “When I approached them, they were
shocked about my request to date and concerned about the lifestyle
of my to-be date.” Though most Indians do not stigmatize or
choose to berate people, it is natural to be concerned about
one’s children and their cultural development. “They were
never stereotypical, just genuinely concerned about how this would
affect the Indian values they instilled in me.”
No matter how turbulent
choosing a prom date may turn out to be or how painstaking
requesting permission to go out to the movies may become, the key
to success is balance and empathy. According to The
Seven Habits of Highly Successful Teens, one must first
understand before seeking to be understood. ake this your mantra
and you can combat any disagreement effectively.
Let us know what you think of this article. Please send in
your responses to contact@nripulse.com.
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