"The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes."
-Tony Blair, British Prime Minister.

All of us, at some point or the other in life, have regretted not saying a simple “NO” at the appropriate time, to save ourselves a lot of misery later. I have paid heavily, in my personal life and business, for having failed to say no on a few crucial occasions. Still, I haven’t perfected the art of saying no and all those telemarketers, who call me right at the moment I sit for dinner, could vouch for it.

Our inability to say no has been an age-old problem. When ‘Arjuna’ refused to take his gandiva (bow & arrow) to commence the war on the Kauravas, Lord Krishna, commanded him to kill the enemy. Arjuna simply could have said no and left the battlefield. The story would have ended right there. Instead, he questioned the justifications for killing and Lord Krishna went on and on narrating his reasons for justifying the war and we ended up having to read it as a massive scripture called the Gita.

When King Dasharatha asked Lord Rama to go on ‘vanavasa’ for 14 years, why didn’t he simply say no? Instead of learning from the consequences of his own failure to say no at the appropriate moment, later, he even ordered Sita to go to the forest. Why did a strong woman like Sita, instead of simply saying no to Rama’s order, go along with it? Why didn’t she simply say, “If you have a problem with me, let us live separately right here in Ayodhya”? In fact, why didn’t King Dasharatha himself simply say no to his ‘loving’ wife Kaikeyee at her request to banish Rama to forest for 14 years? Maybe he just wanted to prove to the world, that even if you are a King, at home, it’s the wife who rules, which is mostly true to this day!

Anyway, Dasharatha, Rama and later Sita’s failure to say a simple no, led to a massive scripture from Valmiki called the ‘Ramayana’ which our elders have forced us to read from time to time even though it lacks any Bollywood style twists that we could really enjoy.
Seriously, the problem is more rampant thanks to our Indian cultural upbringing. Since childhood, we have been molded in being accommodating and going out of our way for others. We have been taught to avoid hurting people’s feelings. So we end up feeling responsible for other people’s feelings as if their happiness depended on our agreeing. Through several mythologies, we have been taught, persistently, the virtue of self-sacrifice and self-denial. So, we end up being more concerned and more considerate of others than ourselves and afraid of being labeled as selfish and self-centered. 

No one taught us that it is also important to realize there is a healthy selfish behavior. No one taught us that at times, depending on the situation, we have the right to say no and feel good about it. As we attend to our own feelings and needs, may be we will have a lot more willingness to say yes at other times.

Another aspect of this inability to say no syndrome is the ‘guilt trip’ associated with it. It is hard, not to feel guilty after saying no to a family member or to a friend, especially when we are living in a world where friendships have taken on roles once performed by families. 

Experts advise that we begin by saying no in some low risk situations where you’re perfectly assured of your right to say no and with this practice you’ll build up confidence in yourself and an ability to say no in more difficult situations, appearing confident at times when you may be feeling uncertain of yourself inside. It may be generous to say no rather than say yes when you know very well, that you can’t deliver. In fact it saves you from being miserable later and disappointment to the person whom you made that commitment to. Thus, your friends will take you seriously when you make a sincere commitment to deliver on promises.

Also you should learn to accept that no is not a dirty word. In fact, once you have perfected the art of saying no, it can be a step towards emotional freedom or, at the very least, a life with fewer grumpy moments and your life can be more productive and enjoyable. 

The real experts in saying no are our children, especially when they are toddlers. Listen to them when they emphatically say no to everything you ask them to do. You may be amazed at the confidence and total assertiveness that they exhibit. I bet you would want to use the same confidence level and assertiveness in your life.

I consider this inability to say no, on par with alcoholism and drug addiction. I wish we had clinics similar to AAA or rehab centers that impart us training on how and when to say no. But, knowing that we live in a world where every one tries to exploit the other’s weakness – it will never happen. No one is going to help you. It is only you - who could rescue yourself from this terrible trap.

If you are disappointed that I was not able to give you any sure shot techniques to overcome your inability in saying no, don’t blame it on me. I never promised you that for sure. In fact, right at the beginning of this column, I confessed of my failure to perfect that art. Still, if you read the column this far, once again, it is showing your weakness and inability to say no. You could have simply said no right at the beginning of this column and saved some time for productive things elsewhere!

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