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Love is the basis of all
family relationships in every society, and discipline is part
of nurturing. This is not a free world that we live in. We have restrictions at every stage of our life. If we don’t learn this young, it will be real hard to deal with later on. Children need to follow the rules, because that is the beginning of real discipline in their lives.
“No no” is a negative word, and we try not to use it. When the kids are learning to walk, and you don’t want them to touch certain things, you explain to them firmly that it will break or hurt. At meal times, children have to eat from the table.
If they do not eat, we say it is ok. We feed them more often
when they are very young. As they get older they learn to eat
three meals a day. But we still don't make them eat. They
always have snacks when they come home from school. I believe that their body tells them what they want. If you start feeding just because they will eat, then you are losing the battle. That is part of following the rules. That is the way of life- you learn to be hungry and learn to be satisfied from hunger.
Of course, there are always circumstances when rules don't
apply; for instance when the child is sick.
Children also need to have chores to do right from the time they can walk. For instance, they can help with putting the toys back in the box after playing.
When my children were small, we had a little chair where they would be required to sit if they misbehaved. Even real small babies need to be put on a schedule. My mother-in-law would tell me to “let the child cry, as it exercises his lungs, makes him stronger and he needs to know who is boss in the family.” Well, there have been times when I’ve felt guilty about not giving in. But I’ve always been lovingly firm. For instance, if there was
something that my daughter wanted to do, and we did not allow
her, we would compensate in other ways to make her happy.
I think the discipline has paid off, because I get some unbelievable cards and verbal outpouring of gratitude from my children and grand children, who thank me for all they have
learned as children.
Most American kids sleep in a separate room right from birth. That is necessary, because children need their privacy as much as we adults do. However, whenever my children fell sick, I would sit with them in my arms all night. We had rooms very close to each other, so I would know when the child needed me. These days they have baby monitors.
I have taken my
responsibilities seriously. My mother lived with me for years.
She was very happy during this time and we all loved having
her with us.
Different races have different ways of raising children. What is
different in one culture, is not necessarily wrong, but a different way of doing things.
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We Indians come from a family-based society where love takes precedence over discipline. Western cultures are more individualistic. Our children don’t need to be independent at a young age, because they are not required to move out when they are 17-18. Here, a child has to be groomed to be independent, because once he or she moves out, it is a question of survival. Indian kids live under the protection of their parents until they themselves decide to move out.
We come from a society when children think it is their responsibility to take care of their aged parents, who generally live with them. An American co-worker once told me that there was no way she would take her mom home to live with her because, “my mom threw me out when I was 18”. That really struck me hard. How we treat our children remains with them at a
subconscious level throughout their lives.
As a new mother, I do run around a lot behind my 21-month old kid. It gives me mental satisfaction that I am going out of the way to give the best for him. I don’t think discipline is very important at a very young age, because kids learn what’s right and wrong as they grow older. That is not to say that discipline is not necessary at all. I do punish my child with time-outs and sometimes do scold him. The time-outs are not very effective; but at least he realizes that he has done something wrong. I see it in his eyes. My little one does little chores too. When he spills something on the floor, he asks for a tissue to wipe the mess.
Like most Indian moms I do work hard at feeding my child. I worry that he may not be getting enough nutrition. Also, if he is not fed properly, he gets cranky. Like most Indian parents, I let my child sleep with me. I think this develops a special bond between mother and child, which stays forever. It is a privilege not only for him, but for me too. I think four years is a good age to begin making the child sleep in a separate room. If the child has an older sibling, this can begin earlier.
I don’t believe that a mother has to give 100% of her time to the child. Many Indian moms have careers too. Dropping the child at a day care is not a bad thing either, because children need to interact with other kids. Day cares are also a good way to develop mental and physical skills. Children tend to learn better by watching other kids, which certainly is better than watching TV at home.
I believe that the amount of love and attention we give our kids has a big role in building his/her character, and in the way they treat us when they are adults. |
